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The debate rages on about corporal punishment (spanking, etc.). As a parent, you are inundated with very passionate rhetoric about the pros and cons of this disciplinary option. Here are some thoughts to consider:
1. God, who designed the individual and the parent/child relationship, clearly admonishes parents to love their child and one aspect of that love is discipline. “He who spares his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him promptly.” Proverbs 13:24 The concept of “promptly” can apply in two ways: “early” in life while the child is very young; and “soon” after the offense, without a long delay.
2. Corporal punishment done correctly and done in love is a positive action with lasting results because of the truth behind the action. Corporal punishment done incorrectly is ineffective at best, and abusive at worst – clearly not God’s plan.
3. Elements of incorrect use:
• done in anger, frustration, or because of embarrassment
• done without explanation, teaching – just to punish
• failure to conclude with affirming love
4. Elements of correct use:
• Calm, unhurried process, never in anger.
• Ask age appropriate questions of the child about what they did and why that was wrong (important for them to acknowledge and accept responsibility for their actions).
• Use an inanimate object (rod, switch, paddle, etc.) which may cause discomfort, but not injury. Avoid the use of your hand (object of love) and let them associate discipline with another item.
• Afterward, let the child calm down, ask them what they have learned, and most importantly, reassure them that you bring discipline because you love them and want to protect them. End with a hug.
Most negative portrayals of corporal punishment focus on the incorrect use and the concept of “hitting” a child. That is not God’s plan. It is His plan that discipline be handled correctly and, in that way, it has the full promise of His Word.
We begin very early to train children when they are expected to obey. If we fall into the habit, and it’s easy to do, of telling them what to do over and over again, they learn how many times they have a “pass” before we really mean it is time to obey.
Another way children learn when they really need to pay attention is when our voice reaches a certain decibel level. By tone or volume, our voice communicates frustration and let’s them know it’s time to respond.
There are other methods employed to get a child’s attention: Calling them by their first, middle, and last names is a classic; or the always popular, “I’m going to count to (insert your chosen number).”
In the child’s best interest, and in the interest of our own sanity, explain to your child that you have realized you have made a mistake that could make life more difficult for them (they’ll listen closely to you accepting responsibility for something you have done incorrectly). Let them know that you love them too much to continue in a wrong habit. Then explain that based on the principle God explains in Ephesians 6:1, God expects them to obey their parents the first time they are told. Let them know that you are committed to see that they learn to obey God’s voice, by learning to obey your voice – the first time. Partial or delayed obedience is not obedience.
Be practical and age appropriate. Rather than telling them a second time, ask, “What did you hear me ask you to do?” If they did hear you, the question becomes, “Do you intend to obey?”
Now, to make sure the child knows you are going to be consistent, if they do not obey, some action needs to happen. Not threats, not anger, not trying to bribe or convince – action (consequences), implemented swiftly and without anger, is an act of love that says, “I love you and I mean what I say.” It’s not being mean, it’s being a parent.
In every management training course I have experienced or taught, sooner or later we touch on the importance of communication. The focus is usually on how to articulate our point of view in the most effective manner. However, most people agree that the skill that has the most potential for development is LISTENING.
The same holds true in our communication with children of all ages. As parents we know that we have the responsibility to guide them based on truth. Where we usually miss the mark is when we begin “telling” before we have really “heard”.
In our rush to fix the problem, at times we are not really hearing with understanding. Children communicate in many different ways, such as words, facial and body expression, tone, eye contact or lack thereof, and by what is not verbalized. They need help to draw out what is really behind what they are saying. That help comes first from intently listening, and second, by asking questions to probe their true concerns.
As the child matures, it is important to ask questions that assist them in gaining God’s perspective about the matter, not just telling them what we think and what they should do.
There is a world of difference between us telling them “you need to do x, y, and z”, and them coming to the conclusion that God would have them do “x, y, and z”. The determining factor can be the simple question, after listening intently, “How do you think God sees this matter?”, or “What do you think is the right thing to do?”
As the child gets older, fewer statements and more questions should be employed. But remember, being able to formulate the best questions takes time, thought, discernment, and above all, an understanding derived from listening to their words and their heart.
We have the best example in our heavenly Father who listens to our words, knows our heart, and lovingly guides us as we mature.
Two of the best pieces of advice I ever received regarding children were:
1. “Pick your battles”
2. “Don’t see everything they do”
Children at any age will do things that are troublesome. Thinking through your strategy ahead of time will save you and your child a lot of heartache.
First of all, there are some “battles” with your child that are necessary to “fight” and some that are not. Issues that deal with the character they are developing (honesty, respect, concern for others, self-destructive behaviors, etc.) warrant thoughtful and timely intervention on our part. On the other hand, to make a major issue out of something minor can undermine our effectiveness when the “big” issues need to be addressed.
Similarly, we can be caught in the trap of trying to be a good parent by dealing with everything that could possibly be corrected in their life. It’s impossible, it is harmful rather than helpful, and it is counterproductive. Think about it. God, in His omniscience, knows everything we do. By grace He does not correct us every time we stumble. There would be no time left for anything else. In the same way, trying to correct everything with your child would take all of your time and theirs. Just choose not to see everything they do.
A good question to ask when deciding whether or not to engage in a matter is, “Does this issue rise to the level of being worth damaging or losing a relationship with my child?” Not dealing with anything is a mistake that communicates to the child that you don’t care enough to confront them. The “ditch on the other side of the road” is dealing with everything. As usual, the concept of balance is something God can and will help us find. Life is a lot simpler and more enjoyable in that place of balance for us and for our child.
Give Yourself, Not Things
One of the positive results of the current economic downturn is the incentive to closely examine every expenditure. In light of that close scrutiny, there is a powerful concept that can draw parents and children into a closer relationship.
It seems that our material world has done a very effective job of “selling” us and our children on the lie that things can make us happy. Even at a very young age, children learn to ask, lobby, cajole, manipulate and even apply guilt to convince us to buy them the latest “to die for” toy, electronics, fashions, etc.
First of all, it is helpful to understand “why” possessing the item seems so crucial. Often it is the acceptance, inclusion, or status they perceive they will have (or not have) by having (or not having) this thing that everyone is talking about. Once again, it is vital that their self concept/self worth be based on a solid, stable foundation anchored in who they are in God’s eyes.
Though they may never come forward and say so, the deep longing in a child’s heart is acceptance and unconditional love from the most significant people in their lives – parents. The statistics about how much real “face” time parents actually spend with their child each day is rather disturbing. It is measured in seconds it is so short.
Now here’s the challenge for us as parents. Rather than spending the time and money for some thing, consider spending time (and money if necessary) doing something special with your child. I’m not talking about the usual stuff like homework, “what was your day like?”, going to some type of entertainment, or watching T.V. together. What makes it really mean something to them is that you take the time to come up with a creative way of doing something with them. It’s even okay to ask them what they would enjoy.
Just to jump start some ideas, what if you:
• Make something together to take to a neighbor.
• Teach them about a hobby you enjoy and let them try it (especially if there is a little danger involved).
• Let them teach you something (like features on your phone).
• Plan a “date” for breakfast, lunch or dinner so you can both know the joy of anticipation.
It’s not what you do, it’s that you choose spending time alone with them, you look forward to it, and you just have fun.
Margin – For Us and Our Child
Several years ago, Dr. Richard Swenson wrote the book, Margin. He presented the research and recommendations for the importance of building into our lives the concept of margin.
Briefly, the difference between the time we have to schedule activity, and the time we choose to schedule activity, is margin. At the extreme, we could schedule 24/7 but physically, emotionally, and mentally we would not be able to sustain that for long. First we would experience fatigue, then exhaustion, and then burn out. Rather than becoming more productive and more fulfilled, we crash and burn.
If every available moment is filled with activity, that is the definition of overload, and if overload is sustained for frequent or long periods of time; the source of real stress. Dr. Swenson’s basic premise is that we do that to ourselves and therefore we are the only ones who can make decisions and choices to re-establish margin. He starts with the fact that God designed us with limits.
We need activity to be healthy. Some stress is good because it pushes us to be more productive. The problem comes when we ignore God’s limits for extended periods of time. Lack of sleep, lack of rejuvenating activities, lack of just time to “be still and know that He is God” – all undermine what we are here to do – enjoy abundant life.
I recall that Swenson gave the example of one mom who looked forward to the visits to the dentist because it was the only “rest” time she had left. That’s not the life God intended for us. Our society and our “enemy” push that direction. It’s almost to the point where you are made to feel guilty if you have some time that is not filled with activity.
We must be extremely careful also that we do not lead (by example and by actions) our children to fall into this trap. Keeping our child involved in every activity and every opportunity that is available may make us feel like we are being a “good” parent, but we can be robbing them of just being a child. It’s during those times of inactivity that they develop their creativity, discover who they are, and how they relate to their loving Creator.
Remember Jesus’ example. He was certainly quite productive, but He never appeared rushed. He often went away to be alone with the Father. He slept, rested, and always had time for the person the Father put in front of Him. Also, remember that He did not heal everyone nor was He stressed about the ones He did not get to.
Restore some margin in your life and that of your child. You’ll have to fight for it, but it is more than worth the battle.
The Most Profitable Time to Talk
In fulfilling our parental responsibilities, there are those occasions when we need to have a serious talk with our children. The most important and significant teacher that God has placed in the life of a child is a parent. It makes sense to find ways to be more effective with those “teachable moments”.
Three things can be helpful:
1. When: The tendency is to talk with the child right in the middle of correcting or disciplining. Though we do need to communicate at that time, it is not the most productive time to really impart life lessons. If we can wait until there is not an “issue” on the table, both parent and child will be in a better frame of mind. Actually, when things are not emotional, we can function in the left (cognitive) side of our brain and they can too.
2. How long: Honestly, we tend to talk too much. Past a certain point, rather than teaching more truth, children can “zone out”. Several brief conversations have the potential to produce more in-depth, lasting results.
3. How: Questions are more productive than statements. Well prepared questions will elicit a response from the child that will let you know what they are thinking. It also is much more significant for them to state what they are learning. Verbalizing in their own words helps them make the lesson learned their own. Ownership of the idea is essential to lasting progress. The older the child the more questions we should ask and the fewer statements we need to make.
Next time there is something to teach your child, perhaps these ideas will help.
Preparing the Mind to Learn
If you were going to sow grass seed to fill in a bare spot in your yard, you wouldn’t just throw seed onto the hard surface and expect it to flourish. In order to improve the chance of the seeds germinating and developing deep roots, it would be wise to take the time to break up the hard ground and enrich the soil. In the same way, there are a couple of things we can do to prepare our children’s minds for learning.
1. God designed our brains. In so doing, one of the primary purposes of our cognitive ability is to enhance the communication between God and each of us. His Word is the most significant means of that communication.
Reading, memorizing, and meditating on Scripture has the same effect with our minds that the cultivating of hard soil has in our yard. It prepares our brain to receive truth and it makes the teaching take root – not just about spiritual truth, but about all truth (science, math, history, etc.). It’s really not surprising that God would bless us using our minds to know Him by enhancing our ability to understand all He created.
2. The second way to prepare the mind to learn is to give children age appropriate responsibilities at the earliest age possible. Giving them a task or regular duty, providing appropriate instruction, and holding them accountable for completion brings order to their thinking. There is research that verifies the positive effects of responsibility. In facilities dealing with those who are mentally impaired, the assignment of even small, regular responsibilities results in improved cognitive ability.
In addition, the promises that God gives for obedience are enjoyed, even from the youngest age.
Preparing the mind to learn – really simple ideas with very profound effects.
Prepare the Child for the Road,
Not the Road for the Child
Because we love our children, we don’t want them to get hurt, and we don’t ever want them to suffer a little. Sometimes we can find ourselves attempting to prepare the road for them, rather than preparing them for the road. It can bring some short term relief, but there are consequences in the long run.
There are bumps, pot holes, and other obstacles that are in each person’s road of life. It is tempting as parents to go ahead of our children and try to smooth the path. Maybe it is a difficult assignment at school, or a conflict with a friend or authority, or getting less playing time on the team. Whatever the bump in the road, we can rob them of the life lesson to learn by stepping in to “fix it”.
A more productive, long range approach would be to use the difficulty for one of those valuable “teachable moments”. That does not mean the dreaded extended lecture. It does mean asking some very revealing, probing questions like:
1. What did you learn from this situation?
2. What is the right way to respond to this situation?
3. What could you have done to prevent this problem?
4. How can this help you be prepared for experiences you might
encounter later in life?
The supportive nature of taking the time to listen to your child and to guide them to growth is more affirming to the child than coming to their defense and “fixing the problem”. Scripture is replete with practical wisdom that helps us guide our children in their response to God’s leading.
Building their relationship and dependence on God when things are tough is infinitely more valuable than a quick fix so they will be happy. It takes more time, but both parent and child grow in the process.
Non-Negotiable
There are a few false concepts that we have bought over the years that really hurt us and our children. One of those false concepts is that my child’s self image will be enhanced if I, as a parent, “treat them as an equal”.
Now it is very important for us to treat children with respect, to value them as a gift from God, and to take the stewardship responsibility for leading them seriously. That said, there is and should be a difference between parent and child. Though they may resist sometimes, they need us to be the parent, not a peer.
Occasionally, I’ll see an example of a parent with very good intentions, who has elevated their child’s position to the adult level. It shows up in the “negotiating” conversation. The parent desires for the child to do something and embarks on the
mission by:
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Trying to convince the child of the benefits of doing what the parent wants.
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Bargaining with the child (If you’ll do this now, then we’ll do such and such later).
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Bribing with “stuff” or activities. The problem is that it places the child in a position of control that they were never designed to handle.
What they need, and inwardly long for, is for us to be the parent. Do we need to consider and understand them and their feelings? Of course, but having done that, we need to tell them what we want them to do and expect them to do it the first time they are told. It’s not just “old school,” it is “New Testament” which is never outdated.
Children grow, feel secure, and their self image flourishes when they respond in obedience to their parent, teacher, or other adult leader. It is because they were designed that way.
If we fall into the trap of negotiating, we rob them of the joy of knowing they have obeyed. Scripture says, “Children obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” (Ephesians 6:1) Nowhere does it tell us as parents to get better at negotiating with our children.
The Right Foundation
Probably 95% of the issues I deal with involving students, particularly pre-teens and teens, have the same root problem –
a self image/self concept that is based on the wrong foundation.
Most often they have said or done something inappropriate in an effort to build up or protect “what others think of me”. So much of the influence in their lives (media, friends, etc.), only reinforces the erroneous thinking about their true worth. It seems that we are all bombarded almost every waking moment with the idea that our worth is based on how we look, what we own, or what activities we have experienced. The advertising purpose is to encourage discontentment with my current status, but if we will get this product, we’ll “feel” better about ourselves.
There is a better, more solid foundation. The worth of anything is primarily determined by two questions:
1. Who made it or built it?
2. What is someone willing to pay for it?
Our worth, our value as a person, and therefore our concept of being at peace about ourselves, are determined by those questions.
First of all, God designed and made each of us uniquely, but all are created “in His image”. As a hobby, I design and make wood furniture. Each piece is special to me because I put part of myself into the item. Likewise, each of us is precious to the God of this universe because we are His “workmanship”.
Secondly, what did He pay to purchase us back? He gave the precious life of His only son as payment for us. How much would you or I have to love someone to give one of our children to die in their place? We cannot comprehend that level of love. We can accept it, and realize that nothing compares to the value and worth we have in the eyes of our Creator.
Those two things (who made us and what He gave for us) are the only foundation for our or our children’s self worth that makes all the other “stuff” pale in comparison. Because He loves me this much, what others think is just not that important.
Tracing Things All the Way Back
“Because I said so and I’m your parent!” Ever heard your parents say that? Ever heard yourself say that? We probably have said or thought that at some time on our parenting journey.
It is natural to try to validate and enforce our own authority, but there is a better way. God is the one who ordains all authority and He chooses to work through authority to accomplish His purposes. It just makes sense to know how He works in family situations.
First of all, from the youngest age possible, children are lead to build a relationship with God, to acknowledge His authority, and to know the joy and peace that comes from obedience to God’s Word.
Next, it is crucial to teach them to follow the chain of command all the way to God. That means seeing the parent, teacher, policeman, etc., as an instrument in God’s hand for their guidance and protection. As a child, their response is to obey, not just to the person or the position, but to God who upholds and ordains all authority.
It is important to understand that children are very aware and sensitive to our response as parents to God’s authority in our lives. If we expect them to respond to our authority, but in reality we are not responding to God’s direction, they well rebel against that inconsistency. Your most powerful position is being at ease and secure under His authority.
We desire for our children to respond to us because they want to, not just because they have to. Likewise, God wants us to respond to His grace, mercy, and love, knowing that our most protected and blessed place is under His authority.
God Was A Perfect Parent, and Still . . .
Sometimes we can really get beaten down as parents. From the Media, from other parents, from our own parents, and sometimes even us – it is easy to beat ourselves up regarding our effectiveness in this parenting thing.
One of the things that can hit us the hardest are the occasions when our children make choices that greatly disappoint us. Though it is good for us to regularly examine our own heart, it is not good to be “blown away” by their poor choices.
A few things to keep in perspective:
1. They are born with a free will and will exercise that volition in positive and negative ways. It is part of growing up.
2. When they do stumble, it is good that it happens while they are still under our care as parents. They need someone who loves them unconditionally to pick them up, dust them off, and ask, “What did you learn from that?”
3. It has been a great comfort over the years to realize that God is the perfect Father; He placed His first two children in a perfect environment, and they still made choices that went against His protective directions. It also lets me know that He understands.
Hope these thoughts help as you love your children through the hard times.
Practicing the Presence of God
The conversation usually goes like this:
“Johnny (or Susie), what did you do?” to which the response is any number of inappropriate actions (stealing, cheating, hitting, bad language, and various forms of disobedience). Asking why they did it is one of the least productive approaches. It requires thoughtful processing which they obviously did not do at the time of the incident.
I have found it better to ask, “If I had been standing right there next to you, would you have done that?” Almost every time they will quickly indicate they would not have done the deed if I had been watching.
Then I ask, “Who was there?” They list any number of friends and classmates who were close. “Yes, but who else was there?” Eventually they realize God was right there. Then I try to help them see that they would have responded appropriately if I had been there, but they did not choose correctly and God actually WAS THERE.
It is one of those teachable moments when they realize they completely forgot or ignored the presence of the One who loves them the most and is providing all the strength they need to make correct choices.
The reason this is so important to instill at a young age is that we (parents, teachers, etc.) are going to be less and less THERE as they grow up. God will always be there no matter where they are or who they are with. Awareness of His presence is to be practiced until it is a part of their nature.
This is not a fearful, “God’s going to get you” thing. It is a “He loves you more than anyone and gives you everything needed to make right choices.” It’s not just being aware of God’s presence. It is His presence and my desire to please Him being the determining factor in my decisions.
Responsibility and Freedom: How Fast To Turn Loose
Over the years, I have seen parents struggle with how fast (or slow) to “turn loose” as children grow up. To use an old expression, “There is a ditch on both sides of this road.”
By turning loose too quickly, young people begin to think they are their own authority. Though they lobby for that freedom, if it comes too early, they can feel insecure and conclude that “my folks really don’t care what I do”.
Most often I encounter parents who, with good intentions, hold on too long. Under those circumstances, young people do not become good decision makers because of lack of opportunity. They know neither the joy of making good decisions, nor the responsibility for poor choices.
As usual, a balanced approach is most effective. The challenge is finding that moving target between their perception regarding what they can handle, and our comfort level. I have found that it has a profound positive effect when we sometimes give them a responsibility or freedom before they ask. They rise to the challenge and surprise us and themselves. Give it a try.
